We met at a table in the comic books section of a county public library. First I had to wait outside for ten minutes in a freezing wind because the library didn't open until 1:00 (not noted in the Meet Up instructions. There's only so much research I'm going to do about the location ahead of time. Perhaps I should do more than directions, but isn't that the organizer's territory?) and the meeting was also at 1:00. This library is known for its story time and so I was amid clusters of parents and children. Many screaming babies.
Nothing like a freezing wind and screaming babies to make you want to run for your car and go home to hot tea and a book (currently MWF Seeking BFF - more about that in another post - I'm reading it for a book club Meet Up for a group that is for women without children). Maybe winter is not the best time to start these projects. I never want to leave the house. I've become quite ridiculously delicate about the cold in the last few years. Friends sometimes call me a pauvre petite fleur (poor little flower). I also irrationally hate wind.
Then there was the location which can only be described as depression-inducing - the library faced a strip mall:
There are many parts of my charming city that don't come off well in winter....Though you have to give them some credit for attempting some pride with the banners on the poles.
Finally the doors opened and I went inside. Not knowing where the comic book section was, I asked at the desk. Imagine the librarian's face when I said I was looking for the tarot group that meets here. She didn't know and had to ask someone else who also didn't know so we had to ask someone else. Pretty soon we'd asked most of the staff and eventually reached someone who knew. Where was it? A set of tables pretty much right behind the circulation desk. So embarrassing!
A middle-aged heavyset gentleman I can only describe as looking like Italian mafia (but softspoken and friendly) was already sitting there. He had several decks of tarot cards and also a lunchbox cooler thing filled with several more. I had a pack, The Eclectic Tarot, an Austrian 78 card deck created in 1986. The names of each card are in English and German. If you'd like to see some pics of the cards, go here.
I bought the deck when I lived in Southern California, from the famous Psychic Eye bookshop on Ventura Blvd in Sherman Oaks (I think they've moved, though. I seem to remember them being in Canoga Park or Woodland Hills when I lived there). A wonderful place - red curtained alcoves for readings, tables covered with black cloth, displaying books and crystals and jewelry and stones. Dark velvety-looking walls. All sorts of other mysterious things I can't remember (like a silk bag to hold your tarot cards and a velvet cloth to spread them on. Everything has its accoutrements). The store opened in 1985 and call themselves the oldest metaphysical bookstore in the country. I don't know if this is true. Only that it's the first of it's kind that I discovered.
I never used the cards. I would lay them out and look at them but could never truly connect with them or do a spread. I read books on tarot, though. Does that count? (In fact, since this Meet Up I have thrown the deck out so I could buy one I actually liked.)
I sat down and talked tarot decks with Ben, let's call him, until the others arrived. He was happy to show me all his decks. He wanted me to use them when I got a reading later on in the meeting, but I didn't like his decks or his eagerness. He stared at me A LOT during the two hours I was there. I got that creepy, "Uh-oh, he likes me" feeling. Creepy because I was not at all interested. He seemed like a nice guy but - no.
Barbara, the leader of the group showed up next (forties), then Kim (about thirty), and then another, younger girl (twenties), Shelly. Shelly sat next to me. She was a tiny, birdlike girl wearing a bright orange-ish T-shirt with what I thought was another colorful long-sleeved shirt on underneath. It took me a half hour to finally realize that all the flowers and vines covering her arms were tattoos. She also had several piercings. I'm always fascinated by people who get lots of tattoos and piercings. I want to know what they are trying to distract us from seeing about them. Is it really their way of celebrating their body? I'm not always so sure.
Barbara was wearing a Christmas sweatshirt and was also quite heavy (that seemed to be the norm for the group). I get very self-conscious around heavier people. Self-conscious for being thinner. Isn't that ridiculous? Like I've done something wrong. Like I'm not being supportive enough of their lifestyle choice. I told you I'm weird.
The last person to arrive, Kim, had shoulder-length curly hair, was wearing a bright blue cable sweater (good color for her), and lipstick. She was more put together. She had a presence and some sass, which made me like her immediately. I realize now that she was at the full moon circle ceremony I went to a few weeks ago, a few people down from where I was in the circle.
For some reason, everyone in the group had been in the military (there were references as they all caught up), which made me wonder if that was somehow a requirement for joining? Maybe I'd missed something? Turned out not, but it was an odd moment.
Barbara handed out some spreads she'd created, including this one, a heart (a love life reading, for February):
The notes are mine, because this is the reading Barbara gave me during the meeting.
Again, everyone was really nice, but I could see the question on their faces. What was I doing there? It was not my neighborhood at all (I'd crossed some sort of line and experienced a cultural shift - was among people with a different style (is using 'class' verboten now? One never knows anymore what is PC) and they knew it. I mean, if I felt it, I'm sure they did too.
I don't mean any of this in a judgmental way. We were all just different from each other. And so I felt like a fish out of water in a way I hadn't felt up until then. The vibe made me feel very lonely. I've spent 8 weeks in this project, spending most of my weekends meeting new people, not with my friends, and I was starting to feel very disconnected and alone rather than connected. I haven't had time to go to any of these groups again, which would be necessary to begin to cement any possible connections, but I also haven't felt really excited and hopeful about anyone I've meet.
It didn't help that one of those darn babies started screaming at top volume on the other side of the bookcase that separated us from the unfortunate parents.
I tried to dive in and ask questions. I thought there'd be more teaching about tarot, but there wasn't. It was general catch up and then Barbara gave us some of her own books that she wanted to get rid of (I took one on tarot), and then she suggested we do a reading on someone and all read the cards.
Well, I had nothing to offer in the way of skills. Despite my reading books on the subject, I haven't practiced and built up any intuitive rapport/connection with my cards so I offered to be the person read.
I used Kim's cards, which were brightly colored, sort of pastel, but a little deeper, and delicately drawn.
This seemed like a great idea until I laid out the cards in the heart spread and experienced four strangers giving me a spot on, intimate reading about my love (or lack of) life. I heard good things but felt most uncomfortable!
Here's what the spread looked like:
I took notes on what they said the cards were telling them:
I have a lot going on and I'm doing what I can to keep it all from closing in on me. Still, there's a lot around me and I need to clear a path out of the stress all I'm involved in is causing. (Yep.)
New beginnings and new hope, positive energy, happiness and beauty are on the way.
My focus is changing, the energy of trying too hard, the force of will is leaving, learning to use my energy wisely is coming in.
I have a hard time receiving. Need to work on that. (I'm usually doing for other people. This is a problem most women have.)
Regarding a relationship - I would like one, but don't want to be tied down. I need independence. (True.)
I don't want to be someone's pet, fawned over. I prefer taking care of someone else. (This was in the position of a need that won't be met so I guess I'm going to be in a relationship where I need to learn to be taken care of sometimes.)
I will have to share the power in the relationship, let go of need for control.
(When is the good coming in, you ask? It's in here - these are all things I know so were reinforced, which is good.)
My partner will not be as into structure. We're like a stained glass window. I'm the metal framing and he's the color.
I'm entering a period of balance, happiness, re-evaluation, and discovery.
I need to work on learning to be a good partner to myself first, before I can be one for someone else. Stop pushing myself so hard.
My partner will be generous, stable, in a good spot in life. I'll need to accept and receive his generosity. He's a professional and an air sign. There was some debate about which air sign and they settled on Aquarius with Capricorn rising. I don't know what that means but they were adamant about this and very pleased about who this guy is.
I'm looking for all those things so bring him on!
Everyone else got a reading as well with some of the other love spreads (one was drawn as a bouquet of roses). Apparently Kim is going back to school (grad degree) where she's going to meet a younger guy who keeps her busy in the bedroom. She blushed a lot at this, but seemed pleased. I was glad for her, but also glad that wasn't in my cards. Probably because of the fifteen years I have on her as well. I hope he's nice to her, adores her, and takes her out to dinner once in a while to give her a break!
Shelly also got a reading. She brought the "Crow" deck. Everyone seemed to think these were very cool. They were dark cards with pointy shapes - crows and spiders and other menacing creatures I couldn't identify on blood red or bright puce backgrounds. They creeped me out.
After two and a half hours I just had to leave. It was nearly four on a Sunday and I'm very careful with my Sunday late afternoons/evenings. I want to squeeze as much down time out of them as possible in preparation for returning to work Monday.
Plus, I couldn't take the screaming baby one more second.
We gave Barbara some ideas for other classes, which all sounded interesting (like using pendulums. The mafia guy makes them and will make one for each of us), so I would like to go back. This is an odd place to be in. SO not belonging (even more a feeling of not belonging than usual), but intrigued by the people in the group and wanting to learn more about tarot. I can't go to the March meeting as I'll be doing a week-long writing residency, but I will go at least one more time.
The groups I'd like to and intend to return to so far:
Hiking
Full moon circle
Tarot
Astrology
I was drawn to Kim's directness and strong personality, but she was also friendly and it was generous of her to let me use her cards. She also goes to one of the other pagan groups that I signed up to participate in so we were bound to run into each other eventually. I sent her a message a week or so later, asking for her suggestions on where I could buy a new deck because I didn't like mine. Here's our exchange (I had a cold at the time).
Mine:
"Hi Kim - thanks again for the use of your cards at the tarot meeting last weekend. I would love to find a new deck. Any suggestions for a place with a good selection? And I am pretty sure I can't make the herb meet up tonight because my cold is still dragging me down. But if a nap restores me a bit, I might take you up on the invitation to crash your table."
Kim's:
“I would recommend crystals, candles and cauldrons (they have the gendron which is the deck I use). The store is in hampden. Another option is the crystal fox, if you're willing to make the trip down to laurel. There is also the turning wheel in north east baltimore on bel air road, but I haven't been there for a few years. Hope you feel better!”
Sounds pretty good, don't you think? It was my first reach out on the Meet Up site in an attempt to pursue a possible connection. I won't say friendship about anyone yet because I haven't seen anyone twice and it may be that I only hang out with certain people in the context of the Meet Up itself, not outside of that structure. To move a friendship forward you have to eventually step outside of the existing context, whether it's work or a group or whatever (sports thing, volunteering, etc.) to have experiences together outside of the group.
And so we edge our way forward!
WHEN: February 19, 2012
WHERE: Public Library
WHO: 1 man, 4 women (including me)
COST: $2
MILES: 15.8 miles RT
RATING: 6/10
THEME: Metaphysical
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